Editor’s note: OK, so this is not a real letter from Mark Zuckerberg, but it’s a real satire of what could be in a letter from Mark Zuckerberg, hypothetically speaking, of course.
Hey there! It’s Mark Zuckerberg, everyone’s favorite socially awkward billionaire! I am here to walk you through our latest exciting changes at Facebook.
Starting this week, we have divided the News Feed into posts that are “Most Recent” and posts that are “Top” and “Most Interesting.” (Please note: We don’t guarantee stories marked as “Most Interesting” will actually be interesting. Most of them will probably be about what people had for breakfast.) Plus, we’re adding a “mini-feed,” which is news that is neither top, recent, or interesting. Or something like that. I’m still figuring that out.
Anyway, let’s see other websites try to copy us now! We don’t even understand what we’re doing!
We’re also letting you see comments your friends make on other people’s walls—so remarks they think are private will suddenly be broadcast to everyone they know. What could possibly go wrong there?
And finally, another feature will tell you what songs people in your network are listening to, providing new opportunities to make fun of your friends’ musical taste.
With these additions, we at Facebook are achieving our dream of turning the world into one big dorm room, where everyone listens to each other’s music, and is in each other’s business, 24 hours a day.
Now, I know a lot of you are unhappy about these new exciting changes. You find them confusing, annoying, and invasive of your privacy. But, really, what are you going to do, go to Google Plus? That site is like a bad date, with users desperately trying to start conversation topics to prevent the whole thing from going down in flames. Yes, Google Plus has better safeguards for your personal information. That’s why no one uses it! Isn’t privacy invasion what social media’s all about? What do they think is—2007?
So, really, you’re stuck with our new exciting changes, even if you’re not excited about them. And perhaps you should have thought of all this when you were enjoying “The Social Network.” People weren’t too concerned about my privacy while they were watching that little razor-sharp-dialogue-tipped arrow to my heart, were they? You want a movie made about how you couldn’t get chicks in college? Now, I’m not implying that I have deliberately made Facebook annoying because of that. I’m just saying.
Mark Zuckerberg
P.S. At least we’re not renaming ourselves Quixter. It was taken.
[Image: dennyterrio]
*This letter was not actually written by Mark Zuckerberg, though we could totally see him writing it
